Love Without Conditions
One Couple’s Calling to Foster Care
Emma is bright and tenacious, and even at 18 months old, her sense of humor is starting to show. She’s meeting all her milestones and talking in short sentences. She loves preschool and can spend hours immersed in make-believe play. She won’t smile for photos unless you throw in a slapstick fake fall or comical bump on the head, and then it will be nearly impossible to rein in her laughter.
She is a brilliant little capsule of joy.
Kaytee and Kyle Green live wholeheartedly committed to Emma, but they know that they could be expected to say goodbye to her at any time. As foster parents, that’s the reality they signed up for, but it hasn’t made their experience any less rewarding. They love Emma as if she were their biological child.
“When we said yes to her, we said yes to her family and to her situation,” Kaytee says. “If the possibility of reunification is there, we’re going to work toward that.”
The primary goal with almost all children in foster care is reunification with their biological family, so Kaytee and Kyle have been very intentional about fostering a relationship with Emma’s biological family. In addition to regular, supervised visits, they incorporate her mother’s story into their everyday conversations, provide Emma’s mother with frequent updates, and whenever possible include her in milestone events. When people ask, Kaytee is open about Emma’s biological mother, and her desire for reunification.
“To build that relationship has been awkward, but for the benefit of this little girl, I want to be sure love for her biological mother is shown,” Kaytee says. “Part of loving someone is wanting what’s best for them, even if it’s not what’s best for me.”
Like many children in foster care, Emma had a history of neglect. She came into Kaytee and Kyle’s lives when she was 5 months old. They instantly fell in love with her, and for more than a year, they’ve watched her grow and thrive. Every milestone becomes a memory.
“When we said yes to our foster, we said yes for life,” Kaytee says.
The Greens married six years ago and have no biological children. They’re focusing on being foster parents because the need is so great, not just nationwide, but especially in Montana.
“All these children need is a safe place while their families heal,” Kaytee says.
Emma is the third child who has been placed with Kaytee and Kyle. The first two were newborns, and in both cases the infants were able to return to their biological parent or another family member.
“It is a hard transition when they leave your home, but the one thing we know is that we loved them for a season,” Kaytee says. “What they needed was a safe and stable place, and for a time, we provided that.”
While there is the risk of heartache, Kaytee and Kyle have found many rewards.
“Foster care has made me a better Kaytee, a better person, a better wife and a better mom,” she says. “I knew it was going to stretch me, but I had no idea how much it has stretched me.”
She’s learned to be flexible, adaptable, and to see the world through a new lens of compassion and empathy. She accepts people for who they are, without judgment.
“It’s been so healing for me to be her foster because I see so much of me in her,” she adds.
Kaytee works as a foster care advocate for Child Bridge, a statewide organization that provides support for foster parents. Her job is to encourage others to become foster parents, and she frequently speaks at churches, at events, and other places where there is an opportunity to connect with potential foster parents.
She has some familiarity with foster care in her family, and between high school and college she worked in Sierra Leone, Africa. While there, Kaytee stayed in a children’s home. All the kids living there had lost their parents or were abandoned. Later, during college, she worked at a pregnancy crisis center.
“Each season of my life has prepared me for where I’m at now,” Kaytee says.
Kaytee saw the need firsthand, and she knew without a doubt that foster care would be something she would eventually do.
“I walked into my relationship with my husband saying, ‘This is something I’m passionate about and want to do,’” Kaytee says.
Kyle had no experience with the foster care system, but he was willing to take things one step at a time, starting with an application and home visit. Things progressed from there, and now he’s all-in.
Kyle and Kaytee knew the need for foster homes was great, but that reality quickly hit home. They got a call for the placement of a newborn within an hour of the approval of their application. Kaytee was at work, and Kyle picked up the baby on his own.
“It shakes your world up a little bit, but you eventually step into a rhythm,” Kyle says.
From that moment on, Kyle embraced the role of a father and hasn’t looked back.
“He’s phenomenal,” Kaytee says. “He’s very much an equal partner in parenting. It doesn’t make it easy, but it absolutely makes it easier.”
Kyle said that while other foster parents might look at their role in terms of a simple custodial relationship, Kyle sees his role as a father and completely pours out his love for Emma and the infants who were previously placed with them. It may make the heartache harder if and when they are reunited with their birth family, but as Kyle and Kaytee see it, the child is worth every ounce of love they can give.
“These kids need that deep connection,” Kyle says. “They need you to step into the role of their parents can’t fill.”
Kaytee often refers to the African proverb, it takes a village to raise a child.
“If I can be a part of that village for somebody, I say we do it,” Kaytee says.
Whether the placement is for a day, for six weeks, or three years, foster parents make a difference just by providing a safe place for families to heal. Support is out there through state agencies and nonprofit organizations including Child Bridge.
“I don’t think it takes a superhero,” Kaytee says. “It just takes someone willing to step into the messiness and brokenness of another person’s story.”
Editor’s note: In consideration of Kaytee and Kyle’s relationship with their foster child’s biological mother, the child’s name has been changed.
Child Bridge
Focused on foster care
The number of children in Montana waiting for a safe, loving home is double the number of available foster families. To help close that gap, Child Bridge — a nonprofit committed to finding and equipping families for children who have experienced abuse and neglect — is launching a statewide recruitment initiative in recognition of National Foster Care Awareness Month.
Starting in May, Child Bridge is inviting churches all across Montana to take part in Foster Awareness Sunday — a special time to talk about the urgent need for foster families, share helpful information and encourage people to think about opening their homes to kids in care. There are currently around 2,000 children in Montana’s foster system. If you would like a Child Bridge representative to visit your church or other group, please call 662-614-6920 or email hello@childbridgemontana.org.
For more about foster care in general, visit dphhs.mt.gov/CFSD/Fosterparent/index or call 1-866-936-7837 (866-9FOSTER).
