Holding Doors

Helping make the world a better place, one person at a time

As he opened the door to the car so I could slide in, my grandson said, “I need to find a girlfriend who will allow me to behave like this.” We have taught him chivalry, manners, and that showing respect for others is showing respect for yourself. He opens doors, offers to carry boxes, gets dressed to go out in public and rails against those that don’t. He has also been berated for doing those things.

After hiking an icy trail with a couple of technical aspects that he had to help me over, I said, “I wouldn’t do a trail like that when I am by myself, so you don’t have to worry about me.” He looked at me quizzically and said, “Oh, I guess I didn’t think to worry.” That made me laugh, because he has been raised around tough women, women who can and will do just about everything that needs done, on their own, but we still allow gentlemen to open doors for us, and we’ll hold doors for them if we arrive first.

His mom owns more power tools than I do cooking pans, and while she and I embrace independence, and self-sufficiency, we also enjoy long marriages to men who appreciate strong women. So, my grandson is not trying to keep his girlfriend down, in-line, or under his thumb. Like the men in his life, he just wants to show the people he spends his heart on appreciation. Appreciation can be shown in so many ways, but I like that, for him, one way is to hold the door.

In our family, we also encourage the ones we care about to grow. We encourage each other to try new things, go on adventures with and without us, and to continually both discover and be who they are with us cheering their journey. Currently we are in a 100 squats a day challenge. I am trying to decide if this is truly growth, or some sort of voluntary torture, but I enjoy the daily reports of satisfaction over pain.

In a world full of divisiveness, I often find myself contemplating what we need to do to support one another just a little bit more. Maybe even a whole lot more. What would it mean if each one of us chose someone to mentor? What if each one of us sponsored a young artist as they did for the grand masters of old? What if each one of us asked how can I help you instead of how can you help me? What if we truly used our skills to help someone else build their skills? In the National Geographic series called “The Blue Zones,” there are nine essentials for a long and happy life. Move Naturally. Know your purpose. Down shift. The 80% rule. Plant slant. Friends at five. Positive pack. Belong. Wine at five.

As I look at that list, I know that I do some of those things very well, and some marginally. I do love a good salad, a long walk, and down shifting, but it is in knowing my purpose that I find myself most at home. The thing is, I wouldn’t know or live my purpose without a few key men who helped me to find it, and so it makes me very happy that this magazine, designed for women, is taking a pause to celebrate men. While I should celebrate my ever supportive and tirelessly encouraging husband, it is my son-in-law who gets top billing.

When Nick Enslow came into our life he had green hair, great jokes, and sang camp songs at dinner like I did, much to the chagrin of our partners, who don’t sing camp songs at dinner, especially in public. I like to say I grew up poor, that I had it tough, but I really didn’t have it all that bad. We had beds, and food, and love, and a regular schedule in a safe home. That’s what I thought was tough. Privilege blinds us. Nick, who is a director at Boys & Girls Clubs of Yellowstone County, gently introduced me to kids without enough food and houses without enough love, and to just how hard it is to make it in a world that is often too large to manage on foot.

He stands on his morals every single day, diligently making a difference to these kids and their families, and he did it on purpose. Nick is one of those people who is intelligent beyond reason, and could have been anything he wanted to be, so he decided that he would be the person who showed up. The person who had not just passing impact on a youth but stuck with them for years. He would build relationships, inspire greatness, and rail against the hypocrisy of philanthropy by encouraging generational wealth of mentorship.

His TEDX talk is a masterful telling of his passion, and his passion inspires me to give more than I should and to ask more questions than I did before the curtain of my privilege was thrown open.

I get to help because another man, Don Grosz, my father-in-law, was honest with me when I was elected PTA president. In a voice that shook the timbers, he told me I would fail. While that sounds harsh, he was brave enough to tell the truth and then kind enough to tell me how to fix it. He sent me, the woman who could not speak to three people without crying, the woman who didn’t have enough courage to ask for help or say no (which is why I was elected) to Toastmasters.

Here is where the story of generational wealth and kind respect comes together. You see, I was scared. I could not breathe, I could not let go of the podium, and tears ran down my face. That is when two men, one on either side of the table, stood up, as if on cue, and they each came to my side and put a hand on my shoulder. One whispered in my ear, “You can do this.” I did it, but I didn’t do it well. Two weeks later, I tried again, they took their places, one whispered in my ear, and I got through that speech.

Because of them I charge thousands for a keynote. Can you believe it? Me. I still can’t, but when I step on a stage, I recall the warmth of their support, two men whose names I can’t recall, and I open my mouth without crying. Two strangers changed my life, and because of that I have changed my family’s life, and impacted countless others. Because of the life we’ve built, my grandson gets a weekly dose of manners and etiquette training as an added bonus. I’m certain he appreciates those lectures.

We are all in this together. Women. Men. Girls. Boys. And I think that it is worth celebrating, championing, and Down Shifting respectfully. We should, as the Blue Zones suggest, maintain a Positive Pack where we ALL belong, and say thank you when someone, anyone, holds the door for us.